Ranking the Inhumanoids

With Halloween coming up there’s only one real cartoon everyone thinks of and, of course, it’s the Real Ghostbusters.  When they fight the literal spirit of Halloween, there’s no contesting that it.  But if you want some real horror without the Hallow, look no further than the Inhumanoids.  I’ve long wondered how they could make this nightmare of a cartoon and sell it for kids, with all its terrifying monsters and body-twisting mutations.  With so many horrific creatures filling out the cast of the show, it’s only fitting to try to find the one that stands out among the rest as the most grotesque of them all.  

I originally planned to include the whole cast of the show, considering that the human villains and even its heroes are all particularly terrible people. Delusions of grandeur and anger management issues abound, not to mention their hideously designed suits.  Unfortunately, that would make this list way too long.  Instead, let’s just consider them honorable mentions in this list of the scariest monsters in the Inhumanods. 


10. The Granites

The Granites are one of the two races of Mutores, the group of creatures the Earth Corps can call allies, but that only depends on which side Granahue is betraying with his abundance of cowardice.  The Granites themselves are your ordinary rock creatures, no more frightening than Krang’s Stone Warriors from Dimension X but with spears instead of lasers.  Not to mention that two of their three leaders or fat old men.

9. Ssslither

Revered as the most fearsome of the Inhumanoids and once master of Metlar, Ssslither shows up near the end of the series, gets his ass kicked, and retreats to never be seen again in the next episode.  Besides some cool backward legs, he’s your typical snake creature, King Hiss on steroids.  Not nearly scary-looking enough to warrant going higher on the list and, while kinda cool, all he does of note in his scant appearance is blow up a random Granite with his lightning breath. 

8. Magnicore

Another of the Mutore allies, Magnicore is two creatures, Pyre and Crygen, that control magnetic forces, the only thing powerful enough to stop Metlar.  When the two are separated, one looked like he’s on fire, the one you’d expect to look like ice, but he’s just blue.  Even when super-charged by the Galvacite crystal, they still look pretty lame, just growing bigger but without any distinctive characteristic.

7. Redwoods

The other race of the Mutores, Redwoods are living trees, and thankfully, a more loyal ally.  Unlike the Granites, though, the Redwoods tend to look pretty freaky resembling a wooden version of the Green Goblin truck in Maximum Overdrive, but they don’t do anything in the show to inspire fear outside of their introductory scene, where they give Liquidator a bit of a scare before telling him a story.  Awww.

6. Meltar

The Leader of the Inhumanoids, Metlar’s an imposing figure, his torso covered in scales and his weird looking hands.  For some reason he and the rest of the Inhumanoids have these big red fangs which sometimes glow, but the real scary thing about his mouth is there’s a pool of lava there, which he pulls his fireballs from before flinging them at his adversaries.  The main thing keeping him this low on the list is in the episode Primal Passions.  Metlar falls in love with the Statue of Liberty and brings her to life, turning her into the typical sitcom nagging wife who forces Metlar to do sit-ups because he looks like he’s gained weight.

5. Langistoids

I had to guess on the name of this underground species as I couldn’t find a thing about them online.  These weird creatures remind me a lot of Darkstorm’s Mollusk totem in Visionaries, being able to roll up into their shells.  Their skinny arms and dog-like faces sure don’t help their looks, but considering they’re only the size of a human ruins their scare potential.  Not to mention seeing them eat the “surface food” they’re addicted to – pizzas and burgers, which they eat with abandon along with their boxes and wrappers.

4. D’Compose

People are going to give me so much crap for putting D’Compose so far down the list, but bear with me.  D’Compose’s powers of turning people into monstrous zombies is pretty scary, especially Sandra Stone, who he turned into a giant monster twice in the show.  His exposed ribcage is pretty cool looking too, and of course he’s got Chris Latta’s excellent voice.  Too bad all he does is yell his own name with it and only locks someone in his ribcage once.  Above all that, D’Compose’s scariest accomplishment is creating a monster further up this list.

Inhumanoids

3. Tendril

I was prepared to put Tendril way lower on this list since he just looks like a green drainclog you pull out of your shower, but then something happens in the episode Primal Passions.  Just as Metlar falls in love with the Statue of Liberty, Tendril gets romantic as well.  With a robot that looks just like him.  Worse yet, we hear him speak in his gargly tones, saying to the robot, “Hello! Talk to me, baby!” and worst of all, “Yeah, baby, let’s get down!”  Gah-ross!  

2. Nightcrawler

I wasn’t quite sure to include Nightcrawler in the list as he isn’t an official Inhumanoid, but one of D’Compose’s undead creations.  Originally a scientist by the of Dr. Herman Manglar and imprisoned with Senator Blackstone, he escaped in a breakout that took him through a swamp filled with toxic waste.  He drowned in the stuff, but Blackstone returned later to obtain Manglar’s rotting skull before D’Compose resurrected him, turning him into a fusion of shredded technology and human remains.  His skull-like face and bone whip arm, make him stand out even when next to Blackstone’s freakish body armor.

1. Gagoyle

Last year, I wrote a list of the Top Ten Spookiest Cartoon Bad Guys, the number 2 spot was shared by D’Compose and Gagoyle, but honestly, Gagoyle deserves this spot all by himself.  There’s nothing that’s not horrific about this guy.  The giant tooth-filled maw, the single eye, the exposed digestive system – it’s all nightmare fuel.  Then you consider its introduction in the show, where it hatches from an egg and proceeds to devour its next-mates.  It’s not even something that happens off-screen, we see it pounce on one as soon as it pokes out of his shell, then rips the arm off another and eats it.  It’s frankly disgusting and I love it.


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